God is Great

Does He always need to prove Himself to me? Do I always need to have a proof before I believe that He can and He will?

"God doesn't need to be reminded of how great He is. He already know. It is us who need constant reminding." This is what I remember my Pastor telling us. And I guess it makes sense. We often get paralyzed by the obvious that we forget that He is God of the impossible.

No matter what the circumstance is, God is and can never be restricted by our limitations. He breathes life to the dead. He brings sight to the blind. Healing to the sick. Salvation to the sinners.

Does this mean God may be too busy with my brothers and sisters' concerns that He may not notice my needs? That is not what the bible tells us.

"God will perfect the things that concerns you." (Psalm 138:8)

If that is so, why would I be shaken of the littlest things?

It's because our hearts tend to lean on the wrong foundation. Job security. Salary increase. Big breaks. Significant people.

These are just the results. These are not the source.

If you depend on a temporary foundation, chances are you will fall. It may not be sooner but the fact is that you will fall.

Never box God's ability to bless in the world's standard. He is far greater red than what you think He is.

The Untold Familiar Story

The time when you asked for my permission to see your first love to "hand-over" her diploma I was a bit skeptical. I was scared, I was mad, I was hurt. But I did not mouth those words and half-heartedly said yes instead. I was thinking then, this is where the saying, "If you love someone let him go, if he comes back then he is yours" came in. I was not prepared emotionally. I was forced to push my emergency button for moving on immediately.

To pacify myself a little bit, I tried to call you instead to check on you. I thought to myself, maybe I was just overreacting.  You were just to deliver something to her as a favor and that's it. I was welcomed by an off cellphone. Whew! Maybe he run out of battery. Optimistic me had a long night. I seek temporary security under my blanket and my pillow mummed the sound of my pain.

Needless to say, the incident became my constant nightmare. And that day made me feel less and less of a woman. I feel cheated. Unappreciated. Crushed.

You told me half of the story. I don't even know if those were the truths. Whitewashed maybe to lessen the pain. Some details purposely deleted. Some purposely untold.

I hate you for wanting to see her despite everything that we've been through. I hate myself for agreeing with you to see her.

I was asked once by a colleague if I was ever cheated on and I replied no. I said I knew they were going to see each other. He only said "You're stupid.".

That's when I realized, yeah, I became stupid for you, for us. I kept all the pains and let you do what you had to do while silently waiting.

You never saw me cry about that I guess, but even while I'm writing this blog, my eyes get blurry of my stupidity. I tried my very best to forgive and forget but I think forgetting is another thing.

I trusted you. That is something I can bravely say because I believed every word you say.

But I think even I can't force myself to completely give what you had broken.

I want to trust you again the way I trusted you before but I'm going to need your help here. I also do hope that somehow, you'll realize that I have my limitations and I can get tired too. I can't always be the only one standing for us, fighting for us. Because I know, I'm going to reach the end of the rope soon. And I don't want to get there.

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